Welcome to the Machine
Well, it's that time again for another 'Arzonaut writes a blog post to explain why he hasn't put anything out in a while' post. Whenever I write one of these things, I can't help but feel I'm breaking character in a way. I don't want the subject of my work to just be about me, I want it to be my work. Plus, anything auto-biographical, no matter how relatable or real, comes off as narcissistic. But I have to admit that I like writing them, I just try to make it somewhat entertaining or insightful, so someone gets something out of it. This time's no different, I hope.
Where to start? It's tough to say, because the real subject of the topic at hand isn't the year 2024, nor does the title of the post accurately depict the whole story. This is about work, the real kind of work you have to wear a monkey suit and shake hands for, and how it all blew up and set me right back where I started. Once I had graduated college, I was kind of in a bind with what to do. I didn't have much money saved at the time to up and move so I thought it'd be best I try to see what this degree could actually get me. At the time, I thought I could find a balance between a stable career and still doing my art. That's when I was hired by what I'll refer to from here on out as The Big Red Tool Company. This is all pretty familiar stuff as I mentioned some of this before, and I want to stick with 2024 here so I'm just gonna provide the necessary context. Skipping ahead to about 9 months into the job, I was in a rut and I made a fascinating discovery.
See the thing was, I was really starting to get grinded down by this job. I hadn't picked up the pen in months to draw, and I felt like I was giving up a real important part of myself just because it was natural. To move up in the career and to stop clinging on to childish dreams. I was sold on a prospect of glory, that if I tough it out for a year or so, I'd get some kind of promotion worth working for, and that all my problems would be solved. I got the job because of college, so how could they be wrong? So I toughed it out for a while, every day I'd wake up around 4 in the morning and haul my ass to several hardware stores throughout the day. My job was essentially a representative, at least on paper. In reality, I was the net all the shit fell into when the company couldn't bother to pay a merchandiser. Most the time I was by myself having to man metal beams, move wood shelving, and rearrange tons of box stock. Bare in mind, this kind of work at a big-box department hardware store requires a merchandising team. I was seriously starting to get pissed off to the idea was advertised an entry-level job at a big company only to be shoveling manual labor. But I've done worse and I believe you get nowhere by complaining, so I just put my head down and tried my best. Here's the important bits though, I never had to work with a team or even a manager the entire time. I reported to my manager every so often, but I was mostly in charge of my own. Everyone in my position also had to clock in from their phone, leaving us completely remote. The app we used did claim to track our location, and the training enough harped on the issue of time-theft to the point where I had a giant paranoia that Big Brother was always watching.
I was in a bad head space, so I decided to take a vacation in November. I had the opportunity to travel to Japan with my brother! An experience I always wanted to have. There was one issue though, I didn't have enough vacation days saved up. And this to me, was pretty much my 'fuck it' moment. I said to myself that I wasn't going to let this job get in the way of everything I wanted to do, so if I somehow got fired while on holiday, then so be it. It wasn't well-thought out but I guess I went with my gut at the time. Taking a leap of faith, I decided to take my company phone with me. Now, how it works is like so, everything was managed by the app so if you wanted to cash you vacation days you just do it there, and the days you had to work you had to clock-in. Down to the last day, and still in Japan, I decided to set my alarms to my usual American work time and I clocked in from work right before bed...the app was retrieving location data, and the fucker actually went through. I was shocked but I didn't thing I was in the clear yet. I thought 'well, I'm sure someone at I.T. is gonna have a field day when he finds this employee is clocking in from Tokyo' so I figured I'd hear the shit-storm tomorrow. Tomorrow came...nothing. I clocked out, and went on with my vacation. I did it again, and again and AGAIN. For about 4-5 extra days, a full work week, I was clocked in from the land of the Rising Sun. I jokingly thought I actually got away with this, but I knew it would be all over once I got home. But once I got home, and a month went by and still nothing, I realized I just got paid a full-weeks of work lounging about in Japan. That lifted my spirits.
Right around the time I got back, I knew I had what was called "a walk" scheduled with one of my stores. Essentially, someone from corporate walks with you, sees how things are, and talks about your future with the company. I was still coming down from the high of having found a glitch in the whole system of work, but I was determined that I would behave if I could just get a promotion and get out of my current position. The metaphorical Machine, aptly taken from Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here, describes a world in which one has to sell ones self, ones soul, to enter the corporate machine. A collection of cogs and bolts dressed in suits and flashing fine smiles, casually in front of the people they hate on the inside. I was greeted by my divisional in an unusual way. Before even meeting, I was pulled aside by my manager and told that my divisional had caught the decal put on the back of my truck, a lightning bolt, and demanded I remove it. I thought that was farfetched considering I owned my truck and I believe I have the right to put whatever I want on my property. When I tried to explain so, my manager said "It doesn't matter, don't bring it up with her and pretend you heard it and go through your walk." Just like that, I met my divisional with fake smile and a senseless handshake.
This was a micro-managing bullshit issue that'd eat up to much of the story. But to explain why a lightning bolt decal would rile up my divisional so much would help explain future segments in the story. The thing was, the company gave us these trucks at first, sort of like work-vehicles. Another thing that made the job so appealing to me at the time. They were plastered with company decals, but I didn't mind since I never owned something so new. Fast forward a bit, and the company decided just then and there they were getting rid of the company trucks, and offered to sell the remaining fleet to the remaining drivers. I had a pretty good offer, before they all started to spike in price, and I decided I would take it. I bought it in full, and I even went and removed the decals myself...except for one teeny-tiny lightning bolt on the tailgate. I didn't think that would be my downfall. I'm a stubborn guy, so I kept it on regardless.
And now we're caught up to 2024, and the cat and mouse game. See, this decal wasn't the only instance of insubordination on my part. However I'd like to say that I still think I was in the right...for most of it anyway. The issue was that my divisional just plain didn't like me, not sure why but when someone has it in their mind to dislike you, well, in business that means you're on the way out. Any time I'd ask her about the prospects of promotion, I was denied even the chance to interview. I'd let some time go by and do some more work, no changes. And without fail, with every interaction I'd have with my divisional, I'd get a call from my manager telling me what upset her about that interaction, instead of just telling to me straight. Email too long? Fuck you, demerit. Applied for a different team? Fuck you, demerit. Used a sick day, huh? Fuck you, demerit. The worst of it was, she'd always have on an optimistic voice on like she carried no ill-will. Only for my manager to give me the brass tacks. I was starting to feel that the reality was, I'd be forced to do this shit for almost 2 years now, and I'll never get moved up. And that really pissed me off, if I was gonna give up art and animation over this only to have me get my shit pushed in with a false carrot-and-stick act, well they made the wrong sucker.
It starts off small, no one ever goes balls-deep their first go. As a test, I'd leave work a little early. I wouldn't tell anyone, and I wouldn't prematurely clock out. I'd run the rest of my shift at work till I was done. 1 hour. 2 hours. Let's leave at lunch. You know? I really feel like staying in bed. And this went on, and on. Over the course of several months in the year, I must've went from an average of 45-50 hours worked a week, and dropped it gradually 5 hours or so. Weeks I would work 30 hours, then 20, then 15, to even 5 hours worked a week out of the 50 I clocked in. It even got to a point towards the end that I had stopped showing up to work all together. And you might be asking, how? How is that possible that no one caught on? To be honest, I'm as dumbfounded as you are, that such a glaring hole could exist within a company that nets over 20 billion dollars annually. I was a victim of blessed circumstance. See I was in charge of "running" several hardware stores within an assigned territory, but I really didn't have to do much once I got there. The company would assign me different tasks from an app, and all I'd have to do was mark it complete once they were supposedly finished. It was like there was a nonexistent system of checks and balances. Clock in from your phone with a location finger that doesn't actually care where you punch in from. Make sure all your tasks are complete by deadline, but no one can verify if you've actually done them. The store associated weren't obligated to check in on me, after all, I didn't work for them, I worked for a separate entity and corporation. Most of them didn't even know I existed if I didn't make my appearance known. It seemed like I had gotten on such good terms with the staff of these stores in the beginning, they never questioned my work. Even times where I would have to send a picture, or work with a teammate, I could negate this with excuses. I told Snackers once, I'm living out my own personal Costanza, I've never worked so hard to avoid work.
This personal revenge of mine was getting ridiculous. I had stolen thousands of hours of company time and cashed it all in. What was even stranger, no one still on my team had suspected a thing. I begun to think this must be so easy, surely everyone else does it. Well, some did but not NEARLY to the extent that I did, most would just leave an hour early sometimes. Frankly, I was getting fed up with it. Not getting paid while I sleep mind you, no the fact remained I wasn't making any changed with my life. That was the whole point of taking the job in the first place. So I decided I would try one more time to cement myself in a stable position moving forward, at the company retreat. It was around September that our entire division had set to meet in Orlando for training. I knew that my divisional, and that other higher-ups from the company, would be there and that this could be a good chance to turn over a new leaf. Well that leaf had a big shit stain on the other side of it.
I got up early to go to Orlando the first day, I wanted to make a good impression. Being the first one from my team that was there, I walked right up to the hotel convention center and tried to get my room and key. Keep in mind, pretty much everyone from the company was invited so I was speaking to someone from the company pretty much throughout the whole trip. The desk girl told me to step to the side, have some breakfast, and wait for the room and key. About 5 minutes later, I get a call from my manager almost panicked asking me why the fuck I was there early. I thought it strange, so I explained my reasoning. My manager told me that word got up to my divisional and she got pissed to the news. Apparently, it was her impression that everyone arrive at the assigned time, those that didn't should be working in the store instead of traveling. My manager told me I should head out to the parking lot, and avoid my divisional. I excuse myself and prop a spot outside and wait for everyone else. Next I find out that my little stunt had every other member of my team get a call explaining the "check-in procedure." Everybody knew, it was because of me. Not off to a great start.
At this point, I believe my frustrations got the better of me and I had half a piece of mind to tell my divisional off. But I had respect for my personal manager, and my team, I didn't want to get them into more trouble because of me. The rest of the day seamlessly went off without incident, and me and some of the coworkers I knew from all over got to do some company sponsored gambling, not with real money but it was a fun night. The next morning, my manager asks if I have any duct tape with me because he's setting up some signage. I got out bright early, and went to my truck that was parked right out my room. Soon as I got the tape, I look up and who do I see, my divisional. Of all the fucking buildings she got, she had to get the room right above mine. She looks down to me, sees me by truck and asks "did you request to keep that lightning bolt on?" I couldn't believe it, in that split second I really thought this psycho couldn't possibly hold a grudge over something so petty as a decal. I told her no, because it was my property, and then I walked off. For the first time, I didn't see her fake smile. I pretty much went scorched earth after that. Soon as I saw my manager, I gave my quit date.
The rest of the trip I was a loud-mouthed, unappreciative, wise-ass. It was like I was back in high school, and I had an argument with a teacher while on a field trip. During the CEO address, I raised my hand to ask a question. Now I wouldn't have said something too inappropriate, probably, but before I had the chance the mic went silent and we moved to the next topic. I see my divisional frantically texting. No way I thought, she couldn't have. I find my manager (he was always straight with me and generally a cool guy) laughing showing me the text to pull the plug on me. Once the training came to an end, we said out good-byes. The divisional usually talks to us before saying good bye, but all I did was walk right past her. Which according to a co-worker, "made her stare daggers at me." Now this childish squabble is pretty pathetic for what it is. But I wish I could tell a different story, that's how it went.
It was October, my last month working. Like I said, I didn't even bother showing up any more. I would routinely set my alarm to clock in, roll back to bed, and spend the rest of the day home until it was time to clock out. When my divisional found out that I was quitting, all she told my manager was she was mad she couldn't fire me herself. Which, in fairness, had anyone found out about the time-theft, I'm sure she would have a good reason for it. It seems kind of ironic to ask for something as stupid as a promotion, usually awarded to those that work, to someone like me who didn't work at all this year. And I wish I could say I had an ulterior motive, some grandiose reason like revenge or some higher purpose. But in reality, I just did it because I wanted to get away with it. I cant exclaim enough how good it feels to get paid to do nothing. A selfish, greedy, and entitled manifestation was created. Maybe my quitting was my lazy conscience finally getting around to pull the plug on this whole affair. Or maybe I felt that I was going to get caught eventually, better to leave now than later. I can't really say for sure what the point of it all was or what now, other than that was the year working. And my time in the machine.
Traveling
Outside of work, there were two places that I had visited this year worth noting, Georgia and California. Georgia was good fun with friends, but overall uneventful. The only thing worth mentioning was drinking mead and eating roasted turkey leg at a renaissance fair was really worth the price of admission. So I'm going to focus on California for this segment. It was around September that I decided to visit the Golden State, right around my birthday. I guess you could call it a gift to myself but really I just wanted to visit some friends I have out there.
There's a strange feeling you get when you visit California for the first time. Probably not if you live there, and maybe I'm overestimating it, but growing up you always hear about it for better or for worse. There are few states that you can visit in the US that you have preconceived notions for before visiting. Being from Florida, I know all that comes with it. I would say the same for places like New York or Texas. But California has this almost awe-inspiring loathsome aura around it. You don't know whether to hate it or to love it, or to hate the fact that you love it. Personally, I still don't know which am I. The sun sets in the west, and dusk in Los Angeles always had the shine reflected off the pacific ocean right before nightfall. I felt it was a man-made utopia. It's practically all desert there, and just beyond the hill that's plainly obvious, nothing is supposed to grow naturally there. Everything was artificial there, from the fake palm trees brought in from Florida, to the superficial lives led by the poor and famous. But it's a place where so many things had their start, like the movies and music and of course cartoons that grew to inspire me. I mean, just listen to californication and you get the jist.
She had time in her busy schedule as an assistant to one of those up and famous types to hang out with me. I visited an old friend, who's somewhat like an older sister and is influence for Clem in that show I'm always trying to get done. We hadn't hung out in a while, and it is especially different to see how work schedules are made there. Before we could even go exploring, she had a sit down with her manager and simply said "this'll take about 5 minutes, I may fired in the end or I may have my next two weeks worth or work." Luckily, she was fine and she showed me around all the sights of LA. As far as cities go, it's about what you'd expect and every rumor of the crowds of grifters, tourists, and hobo junkies is accurate. I didn't even go to Santa Monica beach, opting for Newport pier a few days earlier. We had more fun hanging out around little Tokyo and some of the shops near down town. Now this was like being back in high school, but in a much better way.
We went out for drinks that night, but only after we had stopped at one of North Hollywood's sex shops. And I gotta say, after playing Vampire: The Masquerade - Bloodlines, I was pretty disappointed with how clean everything was. I mean, outside it looked like your typical seedy dungeon, but inside it was all bright, neatly organized, staff were friendly and even recently showered. In all seriousness, I'm glad we weren't brought into the back of someone's snuff studio. Then we checked out an arcade and played some Simpsons.
I'm 26 now and she can still out drink me. I was just glad we found a bar that was essentially 'buy 1 get 1 free' that night on drinks. Normally when we hang out, I ask her what she was doing when she was at the age I'm at currently. That gives me insight on how differently things turned out for me, and for her considering that's in the past. Still, no matter how much older you get, you still have times where you're lost. This doesn't stop her from lecturing me on my date life, albeit it is horrible (single moms, people from work, typical no-bueno situations.) Even if I get her to laugh with some of those stories, she'll always ask me "Why don't you date someone normal?" I never have an answer. Just before we wrapped up, we took some pictures in the photo booth. When you're drunk, you can really capture yourself with others.
The next day was my birthday, and we decided to head to Griffith Observatory for the occasion. Getting up there took a while, but it was the one piece of advice my pops gave me when I had mentioned I was visiting LA. It's definitely worth visiting if you're ever in the area. You can see just how small the Hollywood sign is, and just how generic the LA skyline is, overshadowed by the vastness of the world. But it's still a nice view. When it's night, you really can see the stars through those telescopes. I know that's common knowledge, but it's just a nice thing to do. When we got back, she surprised me with a cheese cake, my favorite dessert, for my birthday. As far as birthdays go, not bad at all.
NEETdom
So what did I do with all that free time I got not working? I wish I could say I spent all of it drawing, glued to my tablet finally with a means to bypass the responsibilities of being an adult. No. As bluntly as I can put it, I was living as if I was a full-blown shut in. But there were some projects here and there that I managed to finish.
In January, I had started what I thought was the next step as far as my animation career goes with Mercs, which was basically just me combining my efforts with Frootlupin under one channel instead of having two separate ones. All we managed to put out though was one animatic of a soundbite from Airsoft fatty, whoops! While we do have other projects that we're working on, even now, it turns out they were too big to finish within the year. Sorry, but I guess we'll just have to try our hardest this year to get things out, quicker and simpler. Until then, we're still working on our animated pilots, and we hope we can show you all soon.
In May, I finally put out my first porn-game? It was really more a collection of loops connected with some buttons and sound effects. I had wanted to make an animated rendition of the events from persona 3 with Yukari for a long time. I had those sound effects I ripped from the game for years before I finally got around to finishing it. I was able to get some help from my friends too like Stepford for the coding. I've definitely thought about just putting the game out as a downloadable, that way more people could at least play it. It's weird to be proud of, but I admire Zone-tan and Deprixon's work and those early flash games, guess I just wanted one of my own.
In September/ October I hosted the Brazil Day Art Contest, with some other Newgrounds peeps, Abstract, CometZz, MitsuTan, Kazukoto, MatthewLopz. It was a big learning experience since I had never hosted my own contest before, but I think it went well overall. I'm not sure I'll be on for this year if it's hosted again, but I had a lot of fun with it. I was also kinda surprised that even though it was inspired by Brazilian Hatsune Miku, Brazilian Hatsune Miku ended up winning in the end. It was definitely deserved, and all the contestants did a stellar job. I also Participated in Oddlem's OCtober with a few submissions, good fun.
What about the rest of all that time? Honestly nothing but a waste of time. I had my art projects here and there, but around the time I left my job, it was like I didn't have a care in the world. That's when I became a NEET and really lived up to that title. I became so accustomed to that lifestyle of sleeping in, putting things off for tomorrow, that without a steady income I just regressed a being of sloth. I think I was sapped creatively by the fallout from my work, knowing that it was all for naught. I was, and still am, at a crossroads for life. Unabashedly, I became absorbed in manga, anime, and visual novels. Pretty much all I would do all day is indulge in that, for months. I wanted to put off thinking about the future as much as possible, like when I graduated high school but wasn't set on college yet. My whole experience this year feels like it could reflect Chaos; Head, creepily so. From the making of schedules to avoid getting fired from work, playing video games nonstop, polishing my anime figur- It was like junk food for the mind, and I survived off it for a while. Until, I really started to get sick of it. I remember reading Fate: Stay Night and thinking to myself, am I seriously sitting here reading a plot where a dude has to replenish his familiar's magical energy by fucking her. That similar thought echoed in my head about a dozen times with several other visual novels, manga, and anime.
Oh, and those that are curious,
- Full Metal Daemon
- Rumbling Hearts
- Chaos; Head
- Yu-No
- Demonbane
As I finish this and look back, it was a weird year. A lot happened, and a lot didn't happen. I suppose that's an analogy for life. I still feel somewhat at that crossroads, not sure what to do with my life. Up until now, I always had a plan for what's next or at least something going on. Almost like survival instinct, I had to finish what needed to be done. But I got to a point in life where I really got to experience a lot of what I wanted to, and the small instances of escapism I embarked on turned out to be my natural state. That is to say, being this shut-in where I'm comfortable. I've traveled, worked, had relationships, survived disasters, and I'm still going back this. Obviously I know I can't do that forever. So now, I'm wondering what I should do next. I don't think another "career" like one I had before, where I was just as expendable, would be worth it. I wonder if I should go back to school, or am I gonna try being an animator again, whatever that means. It's easy to cling onto dreams like that, because in itself it is escapism from the mundane. I try not to stress about it, and I don't want to give myself demanding goals. I think this year, I'm just gonna do what comes naturally and see what happens.
Aftermath
Some final thoughts and shout-outs,
If you'd like to check out some other news, please check out the post by @MatthewLopz and commission him if you can! Him and his wife @Oddlem have been real cool to me this year, and it was nice getting to know em!
Check out @Kazukoto and up his followers already! Kaz was my sensei, and taught me everything there is to know to drawing titties. Seriously tho, dude had a newgrounds before and wiped it. We still trying to make a comeback.
Lastly, go check out some of the other recaps highlighted in @tomfulp 's recap post. Pretty much what gave me the inspiration to make this one.
Welp, I'm almost out of characters. If there's any typos or errors, I'll fix em' tomorrow.
Peace & Love.
